Blades and Blossoms

I am trying to find a dream that is bigger than you.
Something that doesn’t revolve around a single person.
Something that you can’t destroy in a few words.

I am struggling to discover a road less traveled.
Something that runs over mountains and through valleys.
Something that I chose, for myself, for only myself.

I am searching for a new kind of faith.
Something that doesn’t divide my heart from my mind.
Something that won’t shatter my heart and my mind.

Tonight I feel lonely. Like I would be a much happier person if I was getting laid. I really need to get laid. Wondering if I’ll ever feel that life is worth living. Thinking of the way you look. A little bit buzzed. Somewhere between wanting to do something magnificent and curling up in bed. Definitely doubting my resolution to quit smoking cigarettes in a couple days. I want one now. And something fat and something with a hell of a lot of sugar. Strangely on the verge of tears. Not sure why. I think it’s just the ghosts. I have a lot of those- ghosts.

I tried to write some lyrics
That might do you justice
But picture-memories aren’t meant
To be translated
You only knew me as a child
And if truth be told, I lost you
When I lost my childhood
But it is altogether different
To lose someone without hope.

I sent you a card
I hoped that you might

Remember me before you died
I’m glad you went before
You couldn’t know who loved you
I guess I just remember
That I let you hold me
Because in your arms I felt
Safe.

A daughter crouches by a bedside
Mother is whispered
But the glazed eyes
Cannot know the stars that passed
From one to the other.
A son rocks back and forth
He cannot shake
The sense that daddy
Will never come back
Our Father, who art in heaven,
Hallowed be Thy name.

Blood runs into the water
The women scoop the reddened stream
Into clay pots
And feed it to their children
Parched with thirst.
A gun is thrust into her face
Kneel, you cunt!
A vague sensation
And she is removed watching
Men convert her body
Thy kingdom come,
Thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven.

Shit is smeared on his face
As he sweeps the floor
With a broom taller
Than he can reach
His sister, where did she go
After the scream that ripped
In two his fragile heart
When a man grabbed in between her legs
Give us this day our daily bread,
And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors.

The needle sinks deep into
A tortured vein and
Her mind is clear and life
Is dead for just an hour
Until she hears that he is dead
For just a bag of weed
That would buy a pair
Of Nikes for his callused feet
Lead us not into temptation,
But deliver us from the evil one.

The broken bottle rips at his groin
For Yours is the kingdom
The skulls pile higher
And the power
As a terrified girl creeps through picket lines
And the glory
He falls from the bridge
Forever and ever.

Amen.

My grandmother just died.